...and every of his written literary thought!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Close Shaves i

Two doctors board a flight. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take off, a lawyer sits in the seat by the aisle. The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggles his toes and starts to settle in when the physician in the window seat says, ‘I think I’ll get up and get a coke.’
‘No problem,’ says the lawyer. ‘I’m by the aisle. I’ll get if for you.’
While he’s gone, one of the physicians picks up the lawyer’s shoes and spits in it. When he returns with the coke, the other physician says, ‘that looks good, I think I’ll have one too.’ Again, the lawyer obligingly fetches the drink. While he’s gone the other physician picks up the other shoe and spits in it. The lawyer comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight.
As the plane is landing, the lawyer slips his feet into his shoes and realises what had happened. ‘How long must this go on?’
He asks the physicians.
‘The fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?’
A friend was standing in a shop, when a man walked in smoking a cigarette; the assistant politely informed him that smoking was prohibited in the shop. ‘Well, if you sell cigarettes in here I ought to be able to smoke here’ the man said irritably.
‘You’re right, we do sell cigarettes here,’ the shop assistant said calmly. ‘And we also sell condoms.’
A man noted for his tact was woken one morning at four o’clock by his telephone ringing. ‘Your dog’s barking and it’s keeping me awake,’ said an irate voice. The man thanked the caller and politely asked his name, before putting down the phone. The next morning at four, he phoned his neighbour back. ‘Sir,’ he said, ‘I don’t’ have a dog.’
Joe was driving in a rig in a long line of tractor-trailers when a traffic officer stopped him for over speeding. Astounded that he alone was caught, he asked, ‘out of all these trucks that were going as fast as I was, why did you pull me over?’
‘Have you ever gone fishing?’ the officer asked.
‘Yes,’ Joe replied.
‘Well, have you ever caught all the fish in the pond?’
Barry: and what sort of a person is this man Steve?
Charles: well, if you ever see two men talking, and one looks absolutely bored out of his mind, the other is Steve.
Guide: and this stone is where the great General fell in the battle.
Tourist: No wonder! I almost toppled over it myself.
Poet: this lyric of mine will make everybody’s heart miss a beat.
Editor: that won’t do-we never print anything that interferes with the circulation.

Comedian: the last time I was on stage, the people were heard laughing a mile away.
Producer: Oh, yes? What was going on there?
A crowd of people were sitting in a doctor’s waiting room. They had been there for a long time when in walked a Pakistani. He was about to go straight into surgery when a woman jumped up straight and caught him by the arm, ‘all these people are before you. Now sit down and take your turn.’ She said.
In equally slow and deliberate English, the Pakistani said, ‘I understand your concern my dear, but I’m the doctor.’
Nick was going to be hanged, and the hangman asked the usual, ‘any last requests?’ ‘Yes, please,’ he replied. ‘Can you put the rope around my waist as I have a bad infection on my neck?’
After a lavish banquet dinner, the president poured half his coffee into a saucer-so his guest copied him. He then poured cream into the coffee and added sugar. The guest did the same, thinking it was a custom. Then the president knelt down and laid the saucer on the ground for his cat.
‘We apologise for the error in last week’s paper in which we stated that Mr. Dave was a defective in the police force.’
‘That was a typographical mis-print’. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dave is a detective in police farce, and are sorry for any embarrassment caused.
Edward de Verre, the 17th Earl of Oxford was so embarrassed after he passed wind when bowing before Queen Elizabeth I that he left England and travelled abroad for seven years. When eventually he plucked the courage to return, the Queen welcomed him and said, ‘my lord, we had forgotten the fart.’
Who says history is boring?
John a recent convert to Buddhism was asked by his uncle to man the counter at his kiosk. A customer came in, bought some bread and asked for change. John, in style true to the philosophy of his new religion, replied ‘my brother, change must come from within you.’
A famous billionaire once gave a lecture to students at a business college. He told them that when he first came to the city, all he owned in the world were the old pair of shoes he wore, the old shirt on his back, a pair of trousers, a tie, and a brief case. The students marvelled at this true ‘rag to riches’ story. After the lecture, one bright student followed him and asked, ‘sir, I am so impressed. But I’m curious to know what you had in the briefcase’. The rich man smiled and said ‘it is good you asked, son, because in that brief case I had two government bonds-each worth $50 million.’
‘Can you describe you assailant?’ asked the policeman as he helped up the bruised and battered man.
‘That’s what I was doing when he hit me.’ The man replied.
Drunkard: why have I been brought to the police station?
Police: you’ve been brought in for drinking.
Drunkard: well, when do we start?
Pat: did your watch stop when it fell?
Kim: of course, did you expect it to go through the floor?
Lawyer’s son: My father goes into court on a case and comes home with as much as a half a million.
Doctor’s son: My father performs an hour’s operation and earns twice as your dad.
Pastor’s son: My father preaches for only twenty minutes and takes people to carry the money.
Architects, lawyers and politicians were having an argument about whose profession was the oldest.
Lawyers: we defended Adam and Eve versus Snake.’
Architects: God used the principles of architecture to create order in a chaotic world.
Politicians: and we caused that chaos.
‘Mrs. Elvish, huh?’ said a kind woman keen on names because she preferred the personal approach. ‘It’s easy to remember-just think of Elvis and add ‘h’. Several days later, she wrote a letter, marking the envelope, Mrs. Preshley.
After a church service, the pastor pulls Jack aside. ‘Why don’t you join the Lord’s Army?’ he asks. ‘But, I am in already.’ Jacks explains. ‘Then why do I see you in church only in Easter and Christmas?’ the pastor persists to which Jack smiles and answers wryly. ‘Because I am in the secret service.’
Peter is late again and the boss is on him. ‘The road was so slippery that for every one step I took, I slipped backwards two steps.’ He explains. ‘And so, how did you finally get here?’ the boss eyes him suspiciously, to which he curtly replies. ‘I turned back home.’
John and David were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, john suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool, David jumped in and saved him, and the doctor came to know of this heroic act. He immediately ordered David to be discharged from the mental hospital, as he was OK.
Doc: we have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since you are able to jump in and save another patient, you are now a normal person. The bad news is that John, whom you saved, hung himself in the bathroom and died.
David: doctor, he didn’t hang himself, I hung him there to dry.


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