...and every of his written literary thought!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Close Shaves vii

Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much
to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of
out-of-staters who ended up sinking it.

He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he
could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all
that day and most o...f the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died
suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up
a few things at the grocery.

A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said,
"I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said,
"Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her."

"She was a rotten old thing from the beginning."

"Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like
old dead fish."

"She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in
the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.
---------------------------
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.He watched as his father moved from horse to horse,running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump,and chest. After a few minutes Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape ...before I buy them." Worried, Johnny replied, "Dad, I think the Postman wants to buy mum"
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A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow ...me to replace him." "Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."
---------------------
There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him and addition question. So they uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven." The uncle said, "Listen kid, you cant count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets." So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?" The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven."

--------------------------
The new Army Captain was assigned to inspect a company of soldiers in a remote post in the desert.

During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

"Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no wom...en. And sir, sometimes the men have ...m-m-m....urges. That's why we have the camel, Sir."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane...m-m-m.... with the camel.

When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"Uhhhh..., no sir!," the First Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel
------------------------------

One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing.... "I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' i...f you do that here. No, no, they don't!"
"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!" "I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!" "But if you fuck one goat......."
-------------------
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, 'If
you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill
you.' The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The
man was astonished.

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once
again the voice shouted, 'St...op! Stand still! If you take one more step
a car will run over
you, and you will die.' The man did as he was
instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely
missing him.

The man asked. 'Who are you?' 'I am your guardian angel,' the
voice
answered. 'Oh, yeah?' the man asked 'And where the hell were you
when
I got married?'
---------------------
In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?", "How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher. "Forty." she replies. "Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?" "Well, dear, how old is your sister?" The little girl answ...ers, "Nineteen." "Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?" "How old are you, dear?" The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old." "No, dear, you can't get pregnant..." Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."
---------------------------
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. "Mary... Mary..." Awestruck, Mary responds, "Is that you Fred?" "Yes, I h...ave come back like we agreed." "Well, what is it like?" Fred excitedly tells his tale, "Well, when I get up in the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon and into the early evening, until bedtime.
And, then, I start all over again the next day." So happy Mary says, "Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven." Fred replies, "Hell no, Mary, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."
------------------------
There is a Russian comedian Yakov Smirnoff. When he first went to the United States from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores. He says, "On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk--you just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered ora...nge juice--you just add water, and you get orange juice. And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to my self, “What a country!"
---------------------
Returning home early from a business trip, a man finds his wife standing naked in the bedroom. Surprised, he says, "It's the middle of the afternoon. Why aren't you dressed?"
"I have nothing to wear," his wife answers.
"Nonsense," he says, throwing open her wardrobe. "You have a red dress, a green dress . . . hi, Harry .... . . a purple dress . . ."
------------------------
A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old so...n comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"
--------------------
There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him and addition question. So they uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Se...ven." The uncle said, "Listen kid, you cant count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets." So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?" The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven."
------------------------
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
---------------------
There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.

So he turned to the mental patient and ...said, "I don't hear anything."

The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"
-------------------
This guy goes to a whorehouse and says to the Madam, "I want to get screwed." The Madam tells him to go up to room #12 and knock on the door. The guy walks up to the door, knocks on it, and says, "I really want to get screwed, bad!" A very sexy voice replies "Just slide $20 under the door." So the man slides the $20 un...der the door and waits... Nothing Happens! He knocks on the door again, and yells out "I want to get screwed!" The sexy voice behind the door answers, "Again?"
---------------------------
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever b...een unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
---------------------
Little Johnny is walking by his parent's bedroom when he hears a lot of noise. He opens the door and sees his dad with his mom bent over the dresser having sex. Dad looks at Little Johnny and smiles, gives him a wink and motions for Johnny to leave the room, so he does.

A few minutes later dad is walking past Little Joh...nny's bedroom and hears a noise. He opens the door to see Little Johnny with grandma bent over the dresser having sex. Little Johnny looks at dad and smiles, winks at him and says, "It's not so funny when it's YOUR momma, is it?"
-------------------------
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?” The first man approached h...im and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?” The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”
----------------------------
An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!". Two weeks later when the manager arrives ...at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?". "I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".
----------------------------
There ws a young girl that was going out on a date for the 1st time & she told her granny about it.
Her granny said, "Sit here & let me tell you about those young boys.
He is going to try to kiss you; you'll like that, but don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you'll like that, bu...t don't let him do that.
He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you'll like that, but don't let him do that.
Then the granny said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. u r going to like tht, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her granny about it. The next day she told her granny that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Granny, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried,I turned
----------------------
MR. BEAN IN GRADE SCHOOL..
Teacher:What is 5 plus 4?
Bean:9
Teacher:What is 5 plus 5?
Bean:Are you trying to fool me, you have just twisted the question, the answer is 6.
--------------------
A man went to the doctor and said - "Doctor, whenever I fart there's no smell". The doctor asked he man if he could do one there and then, which the man did, very loudly. The doctor sniffed a few times, said - "Yes, I think I know what the problem is", went out of the surgery for a moment and came back with a very long... stick with a hook on the end. The man became very frightened and asked - "Doctor, what are you going to do with that thing?", to which the doctor replied - "I'm going to open the window - you've got something wrong with your nose!".
-------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larr...y's bar?"
------------------------------
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his younger cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen." the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he answered so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said, "all you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said:... 'Four better, four worse,
----------------------------
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, th...ey’re finally together.”

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”
---------------------------
A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her fucking husband!"
--------------------------
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his i...maginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
--------------------------------
A TOOTHBRUSH!!

A small girl walks-in while her father is dressing in the bedroom.

She looks at his privates and points at his person and asks "Dad
what's that thing between your legs?" Dad replies "I don't know".

She goes to kitchen and finds her mum "Mum what is that long thing
between dad's legs?" The mum instea...d of explaining things to her
she replies "I don't know"

A week later when the mum was coming from work the little girl
runs to her and says "Mum you refused to tell me the name of that
thing between dad's legs. I have finally figured it out on my own.
IT'S A TOOTHBRUSH".

The mum laughs then asks her "How do u know that?"

The girl explains "....when I came back from pre-school this
morning I saw the maid kneeling in front of dad, brushing her
teeth with dad's toothbrush and sure enough there was TOOTHPASTE
in her mouth
-----------------

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!". Two weeks later when the manager arrives ...at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?". "I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".
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