...and every of his written literary thought!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Close Shaves ii

How hot is it in hell?


A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate
students. It had one question:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities.

#1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

#2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?
-

Omwami at bar in New York :
Man on his right says, "Johnny Walker single"
Man on his left says, "Peter Scotch single"
Omwami says, "Wekesa Johnstone Married"

***
Boss: I'm giving you a job as a driver. Starting salary is Ksh.20,000.00;
is it okay?
Omwami: You are great Sir! Starting salary is okay, ...but how much is
Driving salary...

***
Omwami's theory: Moon is more important than Sun, couz it gives light at
night when light is needed;
and Sun gives light during the day when light is not needed!!!
***

Two Omwamis are driving a car, one puts on the indicator and asks the
other to check whether its working. He puts his head out and says,
"YES...NO...YES...NO...YES...NO...

***
Omwami shouting to his girl friend, "you said ati we will register
marriage and cheated me. I was waiting for you yesterday whole day in the
post office..."
***

Two Omwamis looking at Egyptian mummy:

Omwami 1: "Look so many bandages, lorry accident case - mpaya sana .."
Omwami 2: "Eh Pwanaaa!! , lorry number is also written...BC 1760...!!!"

***
Omwami on an interview for the post of Detective:
Interviewer: "Who killed Gandhi?"
Omwami: "Thank you Sir for giving me the job, I will start
investigating..."
***
Omwami for an exam had studied and prepared for only one essay 'FRIEND',
but in the exam the essay which came was 'FATHER'. He replaced friend
with father in the essay and it read:
"I am a very fatherly person, I have lots of fathers, some of my fathers
are male and some are female. My true father is my neighbour."
***


Interviewer: "What is your qualification?"
Omwami: "Sir I am PhD.
Interviewer: "What do you mean by PhD?"
Omwami: (smiling) " Passed High School with Tifficulty."
***

Mwalimu: "In which state does the Nyando flow?"
Omwami: " Liquid State ...."
Audience clapped
Mwalimu stands stunned, looks behind, All the class were Omwamis...!
---------
He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it

I said to him . . . You wear pants, don't you?

He said to me . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him.... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa, watch TV and fart!

He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.

He said to me . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
--------------
The pilot says: "Ladies and Gentlemen, the plane is losing altitude and all the baggage must be thrown out."
A little later, the pilot says "We're still losing altitude; we must throw anything out that is in the cabin". The plane continues its descent despite more things being thrown out.

Pilot: "Still going down - we must throw out some people".
There's a big gasp from the passengers!

Pilot: "But to make this fair, passengers will be thrown out in alphabetical order.

So... A... any Africans on board?" No one moves. "B.. any Blacks on board?" No one moves. "C... any Coloureds on board?" Still, no one moves. "D... any Darkies?"

A little black boy - asks his dad: "Dad....what are we? Dad: "Today son, we are Zulus,".
-------------
Proof that the World is nuts:

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind!")

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ???)

(Did the government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I smelt bad Breath in the morning!)

-----------
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, which means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you
------
SON: Daddy, how was I born?

DAD: Ah, well, my son, one day you need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cybercafe. We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the cancel button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story.
---------
LAW OF QUEUE:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.


LAW OF TELEPHONE:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.


LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Its nice to be Jang'!!!

>
> Who said Blacks can't speak English? ai yawa?!!!


> Jaluo drives into a service station in his battered , vokswagen clad in
> shorts, All-Stars, funky beard and i-spoti(small hat). He hands the
> attendant the keys complete with a beautiful Tupac keyring:
>
> *JALUO:* "jasna tank-Super" (jaluo means fillup the tank!)
>
> *Attendant:* "How much?"
>
> *JALUO:* "Omera adwaro petrol mar super full tank?" - Meaning, hey I said
> fill up the tank!
>
> *Attendant:* "I only speak English!"
>
> *JALUO:* "No problem. Good day to you Sir. I currently feel a profound
> desire to replenish the propellant of my motorized vehicle. Therefore, I
> cordially request you to transfer, from your subterranean reservoir, a
> sufficient quantity of the combustible fluid of the highest octane rating to
> fill the appropriate receptacle of the said means of perambulation to the
> brim."
>
> *Attendant:* "YAWA?"
>
> *Jaluo:* "Do you have a problem Sir? I thought you said you spoke only
> English?"
>
> *Attendant:* "English? That is not English!"
>
> *JALUO:* "My dear Sir, are you veritably attempting to insinuate that you
> do not even recognise the language which you allege to be your singular
> means of communication?"
>

--------------
LAW OF THE WORKSHOP:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF THE ALIBI:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a T- jam, the next morning you will have a T jam.

BATH THEOREM:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE:
People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.


LAW OF COFFEE:
As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
-------------------------
LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION


1 Tom kamau, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Tom works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Tom never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Tom is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Tom can be
10 classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Tom be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.


**Addendum

The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines!!!

-----
1. A guy walks into a kinyozi and the kinyozi asks "unataka kunyolewa?" the
guy answers, "Apana,nataka kunyonya!"

2. You're asleep then someone nags u till u wake up then they ask u.
Ques: "ulikuwa umelala?". .nkt. .!!!.
Ans: sikuwa nimelala. I was just admiring the insides of my eyelids!.

3. A dude asks a chiq; "uko facebook?" then the chiq answers; "hapana,niko
hapa."

4. Mum to her son headed to the kitchen,"utaniletea maji
ukikuja?...Son, "sipitii hiyo route mum,kuna karao!!

5. a dog barks 4rm outside.
MUM:did the dog jst bark?.
ME:hapana imekuwa ikiimba reggae.

6. Q: eish..na unakohoa!kwani uko na homa?
A: apana..nimefurai. .hivi ndo me hucheka nkt!

7. Friend 1: unafua
Friend 2: hapana na rescue sabuni imedrown

8. Kid: Daddie umelala
Dad: hapana nafanya rehearsal ya ku die

9. Friend 1: nimekam kuwatembelea. .
Friend 2: uliskia hatujui kutembea ama hatuna miguu??nkt!

10. Umetoka rave unastagger and your mom asks you...'kwani umelewa?'... ..u
answer....'unathani nlikuwa nakunywa uji!'

11. Sam: Oh,Umenunua Toyota?
David: Wao huandika toyota ndio isiibiwe,lakini ni Benz.

12. Steve: Sijaona ile mbuzi yenu ya brown for long. Mliichinja?
Tom: Hapana,imeenda U.S. for further studies.

13. Person 1: Nimeskia ati hiyo movie mpya ina-star Will Smith.
Person 2: Yule Will Smith wa Men in Black?
Person 1: Hapana,wa Vioja Mahakamani

14. On seeing an accident a lady asks;"hiyo ni gari imepata accident" dude
;"apana ni titanic imesink.."

15. Customer: Niwekee hizo soda kwa fridge.
Shopkeeper: Ndio zikuwe baridi?
Customer: Hapana,ndio ziive haraka...

16. Passanger: Tao ni how much??
Conductor: mi sijui!! kwani inauzwa??

17. guyz at a soccer match:
guy 1:niaje scorez ni?
guy2:ni zero-zero!
guy1:na sa si tuko na?
guy2:maembe, nkt!!

18. Kwa stage ya mat: unangoja mat? Hapana I'm waitin for the next solar
eclipse!!!
------
Omwami bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,
'My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'
========== ===== ======= ======
Omwami: I am Proud, coz my son is in Medical College .
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Omwami: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.
======== ====== ====== ======= ===
Omwami: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Omwami : Can I take it tomorrow, tonight is the final game.
======== ======= ======= ====== ====
Omwami : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Omwami : No, I'll also stay with your sister.
========== ======= ======= ====== ==
Omwami : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife: How do you know??
Omwami : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! U have come again..
======== ======= ===== ======= ====
Omwami complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house.'
Police: 'How come the thief did not take TV?'
Omwami : 'I was watching TV news...'
========= ====== ======= ======= ==
Omwami comes back 2 his car & finds a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for the compliment.'
======= ====== ======= ===== ======
How do you recognize Omwami in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
======= ====== ====== ====== =======
Once Omwami was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast ann ounced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
====== ====== ====== ======= =======
Omwami in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and
Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'
======= ====== ====== ====== ======
Omwami : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Omwami - If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?
======== ====== ======= ======= ======
Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
Omwami : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'
======= ======= ====== ======= ======
Omwami told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'
Omwami: 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'

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