...and every of his written literary thought!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Close Shaves iv

The Value of Sleep...

Back in high school, laziness was a usual thing but some extents defied limits. I recall a time when it was made compulsory for us to pray before sleeping. There was one guy, Desmond, who would slip into his sheets without performing any rituals. He just loved his sleep, so much so that waking him up would book you a place in the hospital ward instantly. Now Desmond's laziness got him wondering how he would cope with the prayer rules. Being a bright boy, Desmond drafted a simple prayer, printed it and hang it next to his bed. When it was time for sleeping, all Desmond would do was point at the paper on the wall and say, "dear lord, that's my prayer tonight. Read it." and Desmond would retire to sleep. Some laziness is just too much.
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In a biology exam, the question was, draw the female
reproductive organ.
As the exam was progressing, a girl looked between her
legs. A boy saw her. Afraid that the girl would get all the marks right, he decided to raise his concerns and shouted, "Excuse me teacher,
she is copying from the original!!!"
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Castration

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!"
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Kikuyu Power..

There was once a Kikuyu man called Mwangi who was
involved in a car accident. At the hospital, when he
awoke, he called for the nurse to tell him what had
happened to him.
"I'm very sorry, sir, but you were involved in a very
bad car crash".
"Car crash! My MB M W! My MB M! is my car all right?"
he asked hysterically.
"Sir, your car was destroyed, but that is the least of
your worries you lost your left arm in the crash, and
we were unable to save it he said apologetically.
"I rost my arm? My Rorex! My Rorex!"
"Sir, please calm down. That is the least of your
worries. You are in a very critical condition, but all
your family is here to see you".
He asked for his family to be called in. As they
gathered around the bed, he called for each of them by
name.

"Wairimu, are you here?"

"I am here husband, and I will never leave you"

"Kamau, are you here?"

"I am here father, and I will never leave you."

"Wanjiku, are you here?"

"I am here father, and I will never leave you."

"So, if you are all here who is at the shop???"
Eng mwangi
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Omera, When are you coming to pay me a visit?

But do I say!!!!!



The next time you're in a Luo's house, just say
you're cool, however hungry or thirsty you may be!

I recently paid a visit to a Luo's hao and ended up
not having anything to drink despite the offer.

Below is how the offer was made:

Question: "what would you like to have - fruit,
juice, soda, tea, chocolate, milo or coffee?

Answer: "Tea please"

Question: " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey
Bush tea, Ice tea or Green tea?"

Answer: " Ceylon tea"

Question: "How would you like it? black or white?"

Answer: "White"

Question: Milk, Whitener, or Condensed Milk?"

Answer: "With Milk"

Question: "Goat Milk, camel milk, cow milk?"

Answer: "with cow milk please"

Question: "Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner
cow?"

Answer: "Jatelo, I will take it black."

Question: "Would you like it with sweetener, sugar
or honey?"

Answer: "With Sugar"

Question: "Beet sugar or cane sugar?"

Answer: "Cane sugar"

Question: "White, brown or yellow sugar?"

Answer: "Jowa! Forget about tea just give me a
glass of water instead."

Question: "Mineral water or still water?"

Answer: "Mineral water"

Question: "Flavored or non-flavored?"

Answer: "Gee!! I give up just forget about
everything

Owada just chunga when you arrive at a Jango's
place.
--------------------------------------

CHINOZ THE HERO!!

One day Chinoz was enjoying the sun at the beach in Cape Town, South Africa. A lady came and asked him, “Are you relaxing?"

Chinoz answered, "No, I am Chinoz."

Another guy came and asked him the same question.
Chinoz answered, "No! No! Me Chinoz!"

A third one came and asked him the same question again.

Chinoz was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place. While walking,
he saw a certain guy soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked,

"Are you relaxing?" This guy was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."

Chinoz slapped him on his face and said, "Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting over here!"

­­­­­­
Chinoz died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint

Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".

2. How many seconds are there in a year?

Then Chinoz thought for a few minutes and answered...

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are today and tomorrow.

2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?"

Then Chinoz replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc......to December 2nd”

Saint Peter opens the gate without another word.

One day in his rural, having lost his donkey Chinoz, got down too is knees and started thanking God.
A surprised passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for?"

Chinoz replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."

One day Chinoz was traveling in a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train $20,000.00 to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for $20,000.00, the comrade deserved more service.

So, when Chinoz fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard

(munongodzizivawo ndebvu dziya).When the train arrived, Chinoz was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw himself in the mirror.

Said his wife "What's the matter?"

He replied, "The cheat on the train has taken my $20,000.00 and woken up someone else".

Chinoz went with his friend into a pub and after ordering two beers, they took some sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them.

"You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub-owner.

So the two then swapped their sandwiches.

Chinoz finished his English exam and came out.

His friends asked him how he did his exam, for that he replied "Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, thought and at last I wrote THUNK!"

It was then the first time people were going for blood tests and Chinoz had a friend who had gone for one at a local clinic in Fio. Chinoz came and found him crying hell and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The friend replied, "I came here for a blood test"

Chinoz asked, "So? Are you afraid?"

The friend replied, "No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger".

Hearing this Chinoz also started crying & screaming.

His friend was astonished and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

Chinoz then replied, "I have come for my urine test."

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